The Intensive Art

SO!!!

I have my iPod! And I must admit that I’m absolutely as
obsessed with it as I expected I would be. I bought the 30G iPod
photo. I’ve spent the last few days uploading the last of my CD’s
into iTunes and then downloading them onto my iPod. I have just
over 3000 songs on my iPod with about 20 CDs left to upload.

*phew*

I’ve also had fun dowloading pictures onto it…as well as taking more
with my digital camera. People get a kick out of my “old fashion”
camera which is only about six years old, but people give it looks as
though it was something my great grandmother owned.

“It’s SO big! Does it take good pictures?” LOL. I
spent so much money on it, that even now, years later, it takes better
pictures than most digital cameras. Even though it is big.

I took some pictures of my co-workers, and more of my research group
making our poster, and then some of R and myself. All safely on
my iPod.

iMac fever is destroying me lately. I MUST have an iMac. I
won’t do it though I can’t afford it. I guess since I don’t
have the money, I have nothing to worry about. I’m just worried
I’ll do something stupid like finance it, or put it on my credit
card. I just need to keep chanting “You have a good computer that
you love and cherish…..don’t do it….don’t do it…don’t do
it!”

I spent three days with R. over the weekend. Something
happened…I’m not sure what, but sometimes you can just physically
feel yourself falling for someone just a little bit more. We have
a pretty darn good time hanging out together.

Tomorrow we present our poster…I hope it goes over well….I’m not too worried though.

*Must not buy an iMac*

Do you know what sounds like fun, but really isn’t?

Taking all the hundreds of cds you own, and uploading them into
iTunes…all this in preparation for downloading to my new (crosses
fingers and chants *please let it happen*) iPod. My regular cd
player doesn’t seem to be working anymore, so I’m stuck using my older
one….and it’s taking FOREVER for each cd.

Oh well…it’s giving me an excuse not to study. And it’s easy to do while watching The View and Days of Our Lives.

The funny thing is: I’m sipping my last cup of coffee in the
house, wondering if I can afford to buy more. I had my last
granola bar a few minutes ago, and wonder how I’m going to eat
today…no food, no money. I’m worried about getting an interview
for a unit clerk or nursing assistant position because I’m lacking nice
clothes to wear.

But I’m buying an iPod. I know…sounds strange. But tax
returns are a magical thing. I’m getting more than I’m used to,
and decided that although most will go to food and new clothes, I
wanted something special for myself. I even started a debate at
work over which MP3 player is best.

In other news…I’ve begun craving an iMac. I had one for about
six years. When it just became too old to handle modern life I
had to look for a new computer. I dreamed of having an iMac
again, but I didn’t have $3000 to spend on one of those fancy ones with
the adjustable screens. So, I bought a cheap PC. I love my
PC, but there’s just something magical about having a Mac. As
though you’re part of a special club.

Still missing R. I miss his arms, and the way his clothes smell
of snuggy. I miss the way he takes care of me.

Am I a nursing geek? I bought “Gray’s Anatomy” for
fun. I am enjoying exploring the drawings and the
descriptions of human anatomy. That reminds me, I need to order
those books on blood gasses and fluid balance from amazon.

The clock is ticking until my RN examinations…eight hours of
joy….and I need to start the process of knowing all there is to know.

Pyrsos

I want to mention the man I’m dating (Yes…I’m a homo-flaming-gay-o-sexual).

He is a big bear of a man. 6’1″ 275#…typical aries…

Sweet, caring, protective, cuddly, mostly humorous. And I’m
completely falling for him. Mostly, I think, because his laundry
smells so wonderful. I call him snuggly bear because he smells
like fabric softener.

We love to cuddle while we watch tv. We like to eat food that he force feeds me like an Italian mother.

He’s older…40 years old to my 26…but I don’t let that stop
me. In fact, I tend to like the big brother feel I get when I’m
around him. Really, that big brother energy is what I find most
attractive in a man.

He says things like, “I don’t want to hurt you” and “I still don’t know
where this is going, so don’t get your hopes up.”And when he
does, it rips through my soul, mingling with the current scar
tissue. This is when I know I’m in emotional trouble.

But hey…it’s been two weeks….longest relationship so far….that’s something to be happy about.

Anyway, I need to find a glass of water…and try and convince myself it’s half full.

Have you ever listened to Beethoven’s 9th symphony. I mean ACTUALLY listened to it as though it were the only thing that existed on earth. Listened to it as though it were a thunderstorm keeping you awake at night with its beauty. Experienced it as though the movements were the lovers of past present and future. Have you ever stopped listening to it and instead become t he music. Gritted your teeth in anger at the first movements, breathed a sigh of relief at the third and wept at the beauty of the fourth. This piece of music always has and always represent every ounce of my existence. All of its pain, torture, beauty, and joy.

Written by a deaf man….thats why you feel Beethoven’s music….you don’t listen to it. Thats all he could do.

Today began with a memory of a dream I was having. It was about Dan. A man who broke my heart and moved to Toronto a year ago. In the dream he came to town to visit, towing along his boyfriend. Ignoring my existence. The dream meant nothing to me. The wave of memories and pain it brought me meant everything today.

As the radio played, all I seemed to hear were memories of Dan, songs from the past that were my favorite at that time. At work I could hear his voice, and feel his presence near me. I remebered how every day I watched the clock eagerly, knowing that at 3pm, I would go straight to see him. On the way home, I felt the pain of him leaving, of my heart tearing as his absence gnawed away at my existence. I felt the months of waiting for him to come back from Halifax, only to say “Hi, I’m moving to Toronto in two days” the day he arrived. I remembered the tears I hid from him those two days, the ones that burned my cheeks everytime he turned away. I remembered going home at 3am the night he left and breaking everything I could find, smashing them against some object or another. I rembered the addiction to ephidrine, it was the only thing that broke my depression, and allowed me to focus on something other than him. It made me too energetic to lie in bed and think about him. I remembered when he came to Calgary six months ago to visit friends, seeing him once, and then hiding for the month he was here so I wouldn’t have to see him.

The pain twisted inside me. Proving it wasn’t gone, just well hidden.

The day is warm though, and the temperature 20 degrees higher than it was this morning. I have my Beethoven…the only reflection of my pain. I have my cat, and the teddy bears given to me last September while in pain from my appendix opperation. I have my cigarettes.

Ode to joy……

Leo’s Rain